Hey guys! As you know, I have moments where I just ramble on here. Not looking to sound or look professional, sometimes just needing to vent. Okay, well today is one of them days.
The title of this piece pretty much displays my state of mind right now. Utter disarray. On June 8, 2016, I visited my doctor for my physical. Not for any jarring medical issues but mainly because I’d just enrolled into Aflac and they pay you $100.00 just to get checked out every year. So any who, I get to the doctor and they do the usual for a physical. Bring you back, take your weight, take a urine sample, and draw blood. So let’s step back a few steps. As soon as I walked in the back I stepped on a scale. I am cool with that because my doctor is not the type that as soon as you mention an ailment it brings up your weight.
I stepped on the scale and watched her move the heavy weight piece to the right until were sitting on 440 and eventually 441 pounds. Wow. At the age of 29 I am pushing 500 pounds. Of course when I told my family, their first question was “where the hell is it?” To them I fit in the category of not “looking my size” as with a lot of people. I always look smaller than I actually am, when in actuality I just dressed up the parts of me I wanted noticed. I’m just magical like that. Yet needless to say, the fact that I was/am almost 500 sent me into total “oh hell no mode.” In my recent attempt to drop a few pounds I tried appetite suppressant pills because I had tested one of my friend’s phentermine (totally spelling this wrong I’m sure) pills and I wasn’t hungry for 3 days (weird shit). The purpose of using these for me was to train myself on eating 6x’s a day, and eating proportioned meals. The pills also make you very thirsty and water appears to be the only thing to quench that thirst. Like I said, it was strictly for training purposes.
When I went to the doctor however, he informed me that those pills were for short term use and that there was a long term pill(s) called Contrave that did the same. So he wrote me a script for both (pill pusher), and I tried the Contrave. No. No. Hell no. Them damn pills had my stomach swollen so bad that I went from 397 pounds when I started to the 441 pounds I am now. Epic fail and total backfire from trying to shed some pounds. I was not supposed to gain 44 pounds. Moving past that. So as customary when my doctor entered he asked me if I had any health concerns as well as informed me that my BP was good. I made sure to inform him of Contrave’s effect on me and mentioned my growing back pain. I had a pinched nerve almost 2 years ago and they had just doped me up in attempt to let it fix it self.
From there I asked him for the Phentermine pills again because like I said I was attempting to get my metabolism on track. Of course he had no problem and agreed to write the script for me. He then just casually asked if we’d discussed surgical weight-loss before. After a brief discussion I ended my doctor’s appointment with a prescription in hand and the number to a weight-loss center on a sticky note.
By the time I made it home that day, I was torn to say the least. I had just fully embraced my persona of being THEKOCKYFATBITCH and now here I was looking into surgical weight-loss. Although I knew it wasn’t because I was against being fat, I felt as if I was betraying who I had become. I wanted to stop myself from becoming 500lbs in my 30s. However, I was in tears because I was afraid to lose this amazing fat person I had become. When I shared this insecurity with my boyfriend, he laughed and told me, “I find it funny that you’re supposed to be body positive and not give a fuck about the standards people put on your body but you worried about other big people not liking you for doing this and losing some weight.” I sat and thought about his words for a second before I responded. He was right. In my own growth I had made body positivity one-sided. For me it was always to comfort the big girl or guy who were taught to hate themselves because that’s what I grew up with in society. However, as we reach new heights we have no choice (well I had to for myself) but to realize that body positivity is for EVERYONE.
It is for the fat children who are force fed pencil thin heroes and fat villains. It is also for the fat teens who have to have their Prom dresses ordered online instead of being able to go into stores and boutiques and pick out their dress like other girls in their class. It is also for the girl/woman in general who is told to hide herself so that she is not a distraction. For the girl/woman who is told they wear too much or not enough make-up. It is because of this that I realize that this same body positive movement is for the people who choose modify or change their body however they see fit because it is THEIR body to begin and end with. I am better equipped now to realize that however you see fit to live in the body that is amazingly yours, I stand behind you 100%. The body positive movement for me is to support you in loving your body in the best way possible.