You never know how sensitive self-esteem is until you have to build that bitch up from nothing. Life recently reminded me of just that fact. My self-confidence, self-love, cocky bitchness, self-acceptance, self-appreciation and fuck-what-you-think mindset broke on me all at once. My wall I had built came crashing down. It was not because of something someone said to me. It was neither because of a mean spirited online post nor from just pure ignorance of the human race. It was because medically something ugly was attached to me.
Still in shock, I am fighting tears even typing this. How could something so ugly be on or attached to something so beautiful is what I kept asking myself with the results in my hand. I was broken, a defective woman. Who would want damaged goods? Between sobs I searched online for answers to my dilemma, this couldn’t be life. “You’re not alone. Half of America is dealing with this.” These words were supposed to comfort me. They did not. Half of America was not me.
Brick by brick this wall I had taken the last ten years to build was coming apart. Not only was I defective, broken, I was a fat-nappy headed-black-broken-defective woman. Descriptive terms that had went from hurting me to healing me went back to destroying me with the flick of a switch. Two days before my two-year anniversary with the love of my life I was thinking this amazing man was superficial and would agree with my negative outlook and find something better. I was wrong.
He reminded me of who I had become. For a brief second I had lost sight of the victories I had won because I started to focus on one loss. After a couple of days of slumming around I am sure I would have come to the same conclusion, but still the support system is one hell of a thing. This situation did make me stop and ponder still. Was I building my self-esteem or was I just building a wall to shield me from the world?
I was doing both. I had built the wall in order to give me time to work on the only enemy that mattered, I. While the wall I built battled the world, I was becoming champion of myself. I was winning too. It was just that added weight (no pun intended) to my structure that left me being jumped by everything I was trying to keep out and defeat. Last night they had won, but the fight isn’t over. I needed my wall to fall so that I could better assess the situation. When I first started building, I wasn’t ready for battle yet. I had to strategize and train. They have fucked up now. I want to thank you life for waking this sleeping giant.
Have there been times where your self-confidence has taken a hit? What do you do to continue your #BodyConfidence journey?